I was about 18 years old, and it had been about a year since I first went to a teen clinic to get birth control pills. The pills they gave me weren’t agreeing with me for many reasons, so I decided I needed to go to a real doctor and get something else (the clinic only had nurse practitioners).

I was dreading going through the examination again, but I really needed different birth control pills. I was especially afraid of having a rectal examination and of the doctor using a metal speculum. At the clinic, they used plastic, and didn’t do a rectal, and that was all I had ever experienced. Something about those metal speculums terrified me then. Maybe they just looked too much like a “tool”. I’m not sure, but I knew I didn’t want one inside me…

I reluctantly made an appointment with my mother’s gynecologist, a man, and slept less and less as my appointment drew nearer. On the morning of the exam I wore a short (to the waist) expensive olive colored sweater, and matching trousers.

The next thing I remember I was sitting nervously in the waiting room wondering if I was going to be asked to provide a urine sample. I hate doing that. It’s so dehumanizing. The nurse opened the little plastic window separating the waiting room from the “back office” and called my name. My knees were shaking at this point. She weighed me and took my blood pressure, and told me to use the bathroom to empty my bladder if I needed to. No mention of peeing in a cup, so far so good, I thought.

I didn’t need the bathroom, so she led me into the examination room. It was small, white and the stirrups that were extended from the table were pointing towards the door as I walked in. She caught me off guard by asking me if I “wanted” a breast exam today. I quickly said no, and lied, telling her I had had one recently at my last doctor. Again, so far so good. She then told me to “go in the changing room (a little closet with a cloth curtain on it) strip from the waist down- you can leave your socks on if you want, then come back out here, sit up on the table and put the sheet across your lap”. wow-what a mouthful that was…I kept hearing her say “strip from the waist down” over and over in my mind…I thought “here I go again…”

I undressed quickly, very quickly, I was nervous. And stepped out with only my socks on onto the vinyl tile floor toward the examination table. It was only about 5 feet from the undressing “room” to the table, but it seemed like a mile as I tiptoed over to the table. I used the footstool, picked up the sheet the nurse had left for me, and carefully slid up onto the table, trying not to rip that damn examination paper they put on the table in the process. I covered my lap with the sheet (a green cloth one) and waited, wearing only my sweater and socks. I instinctively crossed my legs, then after a few minutes I wondered – What was I doing (??)…and uncrossed them, sitting with my knees spread a little. I felt so silly trying to be modest! I tried to relax, it couldn’t be done, and the sheet was getting wet underneath me. Embarrassed by the moisture I tried to wipe some of it away with the sheet.

Then I saw it. A shiny metal speculum sitting out on the counter by the sink, with a pair of rubber gloves draped over top of it. It looked as if the gloves were put there to obscure the view of the speculum. I studied it from the exam table, and could not imagine that this gleaming instrument would soon be inside my vagina. I shuddered, and wondered what it would feel like to have metal inside me.

Next, a knock at the door, and the doctor breezed in, smiling, and said let’s get started, ok? He talked to me briefly about what problems I was having with my b.c. pills, and told me he’d write me a prescription for something else today, and that would solve the problem. I was beginning to think I wouldn’t have a pelvic exam after all! I was feeling relieved when he came and stood beside the exam table and put one hand on my back and another on my knee. Then he said, “Let’s see if you still remember how to do this, ok?”

My hopes sank, and he guided me lie back on the table, and lifted my right knee (while he was standing beside the table) into the stirrup. I put my left foot in the other stirrup and just then the nurse walked in. I felt so embarrassed since the stirrups were facing the door, she could see everything! She stood on my left side, at the foot of the table, and began arranging the sheet so my legs were completely covered, then in one quick motion she pulled up the center of the sheet (the part between my feet) all the way up to my waist! my ankles and legs were covered, but the insides of my legs all the way up were now exposed. My stomach was churning with anxiety. Then, while looking between my legs, she said, “Slide your butt down the table this way, until you’re almost falling off….more”….more this way…ok, stop there.”

Now the doctor moved between my legs turning on a large floor lamp, and without warning used both hands to “comb” through my pubic hair several times. Those lights are always so hot. My face flushed with embarrassment instantly. I had never had this done before! Next I felt him use his both his index fingers (I think…) to palpate my outer lips. I was wet, and I wondered if he could tell. He said, “Let’s just see if you have any sore spots down here,” and started moving his fingers in little tight circles all over my outer and inner lips, including my clitoris. This felt hot to me, and I tried to ignore the sensation. Fortunately it was over soon, and I saw him reach for that metal speculum. I moved my knees together a little bit, without realizing it, and he quickly pushed them open as far as they would go, and said, “Just relax now”. Yeah, right.

I felt nothing specific as the speculum entered me, just cold smooth metal hardness. And I didn’t feel him open the speculum, but I just felt the sensation of being slowly stretched, and warm until it began to feel too stretched, then he stopped. I thought “Take it out take it out take it out”. I felt him taking a pap smear, and saw the nurse handling the glass slide with my “smear” on it. Clicking sounds and the speculum is withdrawn so quickly that my body still feels as though it’s inside me. I try to “will” myself closed again.

Now the doctor is standing between my legs, and slides 2 fingers in my vagina, slowly, and his hand is resting on my clitoris while he does it. Just a little, enough for me to get wetter. I’m so embarrassed all ready. I look over while his fingers are inside me and see my clothes, wishing I was in them, wishing to close my legs to this indignity, and the 2 sets of eyes staring at my privates. But his fingers aren’t done yet, and now his other hand is on my abdomen, in my pubic hair, pushing down. I feel no pain, but feel like crying…I just want it to end, even though my body is reacting with pleasure, and I’m soaked.

His hands are withdrawn, and before I can sit up, he says, “I’m just going to put a finger inside your rectum…this will take about 30 seconds or so…just relax your bottom for me.”

I stared at the ceiling, not believing this, and wishing I had never even heard of birth control pills!! His finger pushed into my rectum, and I felt an embarrassment unlike any I had ever known before. He turned his finger this way and that way, and pushed up as far inside me as he could reach. I couldn’t believe this. His finger turned again, and then pushed up, feeling into my abdomen. Next I felt the finger slide almost out of me, pausing to feel around the very inside ring of my rectum, then it was over. I had trouble sitting up, I felt so degraded, somehow. I got my prescription, walked out, and felt so stimulated and excited by the exam (even though I hated it) that I stopped and masturbated in the ladies room in the hospital !

It was then I knew that this was a fetish … I hadn’t labeled it as one yet, but I felt sure there had to something wrong with me to feel this way. …and I began to feel very alone.

I revisited that exam in my mind many many times afterwards, as I do with all my exams.

Hope you enjoyed it, it is 100% true.